November 8, 2012

Rachel: "I should kiss that bitch. Bitches love kisses."

Rachel: "...and this is where we are getting married, northern Finland. I'll wear a tux made out of beaver pelt and you can wear an Eskimo dress." 
Lauren: "I would rather get married in Hell than in the arctic."

Lauren: "You cannot turn into that. This isn't 'Leave it to effing Beaver.'"

Rachel: "Chocolate milk, syrup, and two bottles of wine. Yup, the gang is all here."

Rachel: "Bitch, DO NOT get between my money and my food. I will run you over!"

October 31, 2012

Rachel: "He smiles too much, at inappropriate times."
Lauren: "He laughs like a Hyaena with underdeveloped vocal chords."
Rachel: "He doesn't know how to read a newspaper."
Lauren: "He doesn't know how to function as a part of society."

Rachel: "We had a conversation and it concluded with 'Coulda had lunch, but that would mean a narcoleptic seizure."
Lauren: "Ummmm"
Rachel: "Yeah I was like 'Okay, well...I hope you live."

Lauren: "What happened to everyone here this Summer? There must have been a case of 'bat-shit crazy' going around."

Lauren: "We need to see hotel Transylvania ASAP"
Rachel: "You just want to see the wolf lick his nose."

Rachel: "Ermergherd terrnis behrl!"
Lauren: "Ghert der bherl!"
Rachel: "LMAO. Bing wants to translate that for me."

Rachel: "Jaysus"

Rachel: "Lauren, we should drink wine more often. *Belchhhhh*"

Lauren: "I have not had caffeine in THREE DAYS. I am dying. This is what dying feels like."

Rachel: "He is dressed in a jazzy purple paisley shirt that's unbutton'd rather low, his chest hair is poking out, and he's adorned with a classy golden necklace. wtf?"
Lauren: "Hot tub time machine back to the 70's?"

Lauren: "So, I just put on real pants..."
Rachel: "Everything is going to be alright."
Lauren: "So constricting...."

Lauren: "So he came in and said 'Trip or Treat' and I corrected him saying 'Trick or treat.' He then proceeded to tell me about his first Halloween in America and how he was frightened by the kids in costumes and didn't know what they wanted from him."

Lauren: "Hold on, I'll watch it later. Rachel and I are laughing at ourselves."

September 5th, 2012

Rachel: "We should put something cool in here." *Opens up small storage compartment on the futon.*.... "Like a gun."

Rachel: "I like it when you watch tennis and yell at the television."
Lauren: "Thanks?"
Rachel: "I like you."

Rachel: "Who does he think he is? We only get free food when you or I request it. It doesn't fall out of the sky."

*Professor Sugar plum: "What happened to your arm?"
Lauren: "Dance injury and stuff."
*Professor Sugar plum: "Is it going to get better?"
Lauren: "No, it's getting amputated tomorrow. I'm going to have a nub. You can call me nub girl from there on out."
*Professor Sugar plum: "That's unfortunate. It's going to be really hard for you to work."
Lauren: "I've come to terms with it."


* - Names have been changed to preserve whatever dignity said person has left.

September 1st, 2012

Rachel: I want you to become really good at archery. Then we can sit on Megan and Emily's balcony, drink, and shoot people.

Rachel: It's funny because they're both fat!

Lauren/Rachel/Emily/Megan: BOOM *Insert any object here*

Lauren: This song isn't about whistling...

Rachel: Did you know that the name Oberon comes from 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'? He's the king of the fairies. 
Lauren: I know Avogadro's number. 

August 20th, 2012

Lauren: I'm bringing my Queen bed to school, more opportunities to snuggle. 
Rachel: I would love to snuggle with you, especially since I know you won't impregnate me. 

Lauren: I found a documentary on dinosaur sex!!

Rachel: It's been 10 years since I've seen you.
Lauren: Two weeks I think.
Rachel: So...10 years.

Rachel: I'm going to drag you to Chicago with me. We can go to Froyo and have real jobs and go shopping...
Lauren: I can be an inner city school teacher and risk being jumped every time I go to work. At least there are a million Starbucks there. 

Lauren: I probably wouldn't know I was pregnant because I already pee every five minutes.

Lauren: Would you still love me if I didn't know I was pregnant?
Rachel: Yes, but you would have to give your baby away. 

Lauren: Do you think I would survive in the ghetto?

Lauren: I love my cousin Lindsay, we're pretty weird but it's okay. 
Rachel: She's giving our awkward relationship a run for its money.

Friday August 3rd, 2012

Rachel: "I got a full sized mattress." 
Lauren: "Awesome."
Rachel: "Mostly so we can sleep together."


Rachel: "My favorite part was the part where you listed everything you hate about that person, and then told them."


Lauren: "I was informed that I tried taking my pants off. I don't like wearing pants when I'm sober, why would I when I'm not?"


Lauren: "I hate it when Hitler steals my nutella."


Rachel: "Every time I have a bad day, I look at our blog and laugh until I snort."
Lauren: "It doesn't take long for you to snort."


Lauren: "I thought that maybe we could name our second dog 'Nubby'."

Special Coast Guard Festival Quotes Edition 

Rachel: *Singing some catchy tune*
Lauren: *Channeling inner Phantom of the Opera*.... "Sing for me my angel! Sing for me!!!."
Rachel: *Breaks into opera*


Tourist: "Why is it so busy down here?"
Rachel: (Rather loudly) "It's Coast Guard Festival, dumbass."


Tourist: "Are the fireworks tonight?"
Rachel: "No, they're Saturday. We are just saving a spot."
Tourist: "Should have brought a tent."
Rachel: "We just have to sit here until Midnight, why would anyone camp out for fireworks?....Dumbass."


Lauren: "I think our blanket neighbors are saving their blanket with stakes. You can't do that. It's illegal. I hope the blanket police take their stuff."
Rachel: "I'm sitting over here like 'I love Coast Guard and fireworks.' You're like 'I hope everyone dies and gets their blankets taken and dreams crushed.'"

July 20th, 2012

Rachel: "You're going to marry a doctor. It's settled. That's how your life works. Oh the irony." 


Lauren: "We should commandeer a ship."
Rachel: "We should become pirates of the Great Lakes. We could steal people's gold and in the Winter we can just live in our big house because we're pirates and we're rich."
Lauren: "We should bring our pug with us."
Rachel: "We can dress him up as a pirate too."


Lauren: "So if I magically become asian, and criss-cross my eyeballs, my chances of finding a decent guy will automatically increase?"
Rachel: "Precisely."

Thursday July 12th, 2012

Lauren: "He acted like Jaxi (Rachel's dog) when she sees other dogs."


Lauren: "It's like a 14 year old girl trapped inside an aging man's body."
Rachel: "It's called being a little bitch."


Lauren: "Boys were put on this planet to eat boogers and out tool bag each-other and somewhere along the way one met a woman and stopped and said hey...what happens if I do this! Out popped a kid and the craze caught on. Everyone wants a kid, they're the designer dogs of the B.C era.

June 27th, 2012

Rachel: "Every time I'm on Twitter I say to myself 'Oh Lauren and Matthew Lewis must be watching soccer...."


Lauren: "Did I just use the scientific method to flirt with somebody? Yes, yes I did."

June 18th, 2012

*Lady awkwardly nuzzling the back of some guy's neck downtown.*
Rachel: "Looks like she's eating him..Should I yell 'Bath salts!' and run away?"


Rachel: "It's just I'm just saying is all..."
Lauren: "What does that even mean?"


Rachel: "Lauren, you said you were going to stop doing that. We high fived..."
Lauren: "Yeah, like 20 mins ago.."
Rachel: "But we high fived."


 Rachel: "I was going to offer to call, but since you're awkward on the phone you get to call."


Lauren: "It's going to be insane because you, me, and Megan are all single this year."
Rachel: "Yeah, it will be like the desperate apartment-wives of Westpoint."


Rachel: "I'm going to get you to get a piercing, even if it means tranquilizing you."


Lauren: "So I was in the middle of my story and she just interrupts and says 'Look, my elbow is burnt.' who does that?"
Rachel: I would've said 'I'm sorry about your elbow but here's my fist in your face.'"

June 2nd, 2012

Rachel: Boys are dumb.
Lauren: They better figure their shit out soon or else we're destined to live together forever and the universe will surely implode.
Rachel: That is the damn truth.

Lauren: Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.
Rachel: Yeah, you definitely have to know how to watch your back in these suburban child watch communities of ours.

April 26, 2012

Rachel: "This guy's last name is smeeeeeegal!"


Lauren: "‎#funkasaurus is trending. I don't know what that is, but it sounds like a party."


Lauren: "Look what I found in JH's office!!!!" *Holds up giant crucifix*
Rachel: "What?"
Lauren: "In Nomine Patris, et filli, et Spiritus sancti!!!!"

April 19, 2012

***Names have been changed to preserve whatever shred of dignity the discussed persons have left.


Lauren: Does [Professor Whirly-tits] think he's like a Hollister model? Will we be seeing a half-naked [Professor Whirly-tits] on our shopping bags for their Spring collection?

Lauren: Have you ever wondered if the reason the world is ending in December is because we're going to be living together and the universe will most likely implode?

‎Rachel: "Finnick is Our Sexy Sugarcubes Boy" is trending on twitter. Best.Topic.Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel: was seriously considering pinning a picture of shirtless Italian soccer players to my "r&l apartment" board on pinterest. I thought they could sleep on the deck..

Lauren: Or inside...we do have a futon and from what I've gathered we're pretty good cooks as well. Shirtless Italian soccer players outside < shirtless Italian soccer players inside. Plus, why would we want them on the porch for everyone else to look at?

Rachel: All good points. Inside it is.

Rachel: somewhat cute boy taking a test in PSC this morning. problem: he smells. Just my luck.

Lauren: I hate that. What happened to proper hygiene. Have guys not jumped on the hair conditioner and body wash train yet?There is a reason to why these things exist.

Rachel: it's called: GIRLS ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THE STANK.

Lauren: I think Prince Eric is a sexy beast.

Rachel: If Prince Phillip was real I would date him so hard and marry the shit out of him.

April 2nd, 2012

Rachel: I'm here til one simultaneously brainstorming for my anthropological critical approach to The House of Mirth and entering names in the database. Translation: party.
 Lauren: I can help you brainstorm!!!! Translation: shenanigans.


Rachel: http://imgur.com/gallery/DUpsH us someday when we have families. Or rather, when you have a happy, well-adjusted family and invite me to be in pictures because I am pathetically forever alone.
Lauren: This is fantastc! Don't worry, I already plan on you living with me until we die.


Rachel: It's awkward though because I got that from the profile of "Peeta's Fake Leg" on twitter.


Lauren: You need to grow a beard and develop a bad habit so I can tote you around as my best friend, Haymitch.
Rachel: Give me a few years before I'm your alcoholic accessory.


Lauren: Alrighty! What glorious adventure shall we embark upon?
Rachel: no idea. preferably something that is free. I am poor.
Lauren: We could pillage and burn CMU.
Rachel: Right about now that sounds absolutely fantastic. while we're at it let's find out where they keep a stash of money and take it al.
Lauren: I hear they have underground tunnels. I bet that's where the hipster professors hangout. 


Rachel: (Expressing her desire to work at Coldstone) I would sing and tap dance the shit out of that place. 

March 9th, 2012

Rachel and Lauren's Spring Break in Chicago!


Rachel: "I think the front desk guy thought our backpacks and shopping bags were all of our luggage." 
Lauren: "It's funny, because we're females. One does not simply pack one suitcase."


Rachel: "so close, and yet so far"
Lauren: "kind of like Lady Gaga and our pizza"


At IKEA:
Rachel: "What are these things? They look violent."
Lauren: "We'll get them for our apartment, to beat houseguests who get unruly."

March 2, 2012

Rachel: Met hot guy in PSC department. Am very skeptical. This must be a hoax.

Lauren: One other than MG? Do you need to borrow my glasses?

Rachel: YES! he came in to borrow a stapler. And asked me how my day was going. And actually listened to my answer.

Lauren: WOW....you should have said "sir, in order to use our stapler you must leave your phone number on file"

Rachel: on file in my cellphone...
bad news though, I panicked and coughed a lot because of his attractiveness

Lauren: Hoodrats know no home. They only know streets.
Rachel:+1 for correct usage of know and no in order. You know grammar. I love that about you


Lauren: ‎...and so it was decreed that one day, Lauren and Rachel would one day hold the key to all the secrets in the universe. One does not simply earn this right.
I really just felt like saying something badass.
Rachel: And that one day...is today. 
(read in Patrick Warburton's voice)
Lauren: So we set forth to prosper and conquer through the snow and ice...
Rachel: Though our eyes watered from the wind so we had to wear sunglasses, we persevered in our pursuit of answers.
Lauren: Answers, to our questions. Why is the sky is blue? Why are the dinosaurs extinct? Where do babies come from?
Rachel: NO. no. Scratch that last question, I don't want to know
Lauren:....They sailed the seas in search of the Loch Ness monster.
Rachel: Nessie! She's in the lake at John Ball Zoo.
Lauren:In the arab lands they encountered a mean monster who called himself Sean.
Rachel:He came from a long line of Martinezes...or something like that.
Lauren: He claimed to own the land that was promised to the two young adventurers. Therefore, they summoned their army of battle unicorns.
Rachel: They used said unicorns against Sean. The attack was highly effective. Sean was banished to a land where sun, flip flops, and palm trees did not exist. Namely, Siberia.
Lauren: Twas not a difficult battle. The monster was used to going into battle inebriated. However, on this fateful day, the monster had given up his love of moonshine and spirits in order to appease the bearded man they called Jesus. He was easily defeated.
 Rachel: Lauren and Rachel rejoiced with much Taco Bell and cookie dough. "Cheesy Fiesta potatoes for all!" they cried. They took mercy on the Sean and packed a picnic of their leftovers for his trip up to no-man's-land.
Lauren: ‎"Banished!" said Lauren and Rachel." Forever must you occupy the ice lands of Siberia." Sean happily agreed to this request, for Russia was known for their alcoholic cocktails and scantily clad mail ordered brides
Rachel: All it took was one "You vant vodka, no?" and Sean experienced that most sweet and powerful emotion: lust. Meanwhile, Rachel and Lauren prepared for their upcoming journey to the city they call Windy.

February 22nd, 2012

Lauren: I've decided to give up wearing real pants for lent because Jesus didn't wear real pants, so why should I?


Rachel: *poking Lauren in the face with a piece of paper*
Lauren: What are you doing?

Rachel: I want to stick this in your ear. 

Rachel:  "narrator: and next, a performance that gets Adam out of his seat.
 me: I'll give him a performance that gets him out of his seat...omg did I just say that out loud?"


Lauren: One is the loneliest number.
Rachel: that's what I think to myself alone in 247 every tues/thurs.


Rachel: one of the saddest things ever in my life is coming to work and seeing the remnants of what was once a delicious cake in the trash. missed it by that much

February 2nd, 2012

Rachel: "‎"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." George Carlin"

lauren: p.s. - I just found out who Sterling Johnson is
p.p.s. - Now that I know who he is, I've decided to call him Sterling "Cool cat" Johnson. Mostly because I like his jazzy hat, it's got class and sass written all over it.

January 25th, 2012

Rachel recently encountered a Facebook creeper. This is their conversation, minus names of course. 

Creeper: So I see that you know one of my best friends, very cool. I am coming up to Mount Pleasant this weekend and would like to get to know you better, are you down for lunch/dinner sometime this weekend?

Rachel: Humor me - for curiosity's sake, what made you want to get to know me?

Creeper: 

One, I teach the horse riding merit badge for the Boy Scouts. 

Two, I go to CMU, just like you. 

Three, you know my best friend, which means you've got a level head. 

Four, you are not in my social circle.

Five, you like slushies and walks on the beach, just like me. 

Six, you don't enjoy math. 

Seven, ...need I go on?

This is us, talking about the creeper mentioned above:

Rachel: I literally can't stop laughing right now half of me is intensely creeped out

• and the other half wants to tell him to meet me at Kaya so I can investigate this weirdo
  
  
  Lauren: I mean who is he? Does he have a violent past?How about a record? Does he use drugs? These are things you need to ask. he hates math, but his minor is mathematics.
  
  
  Rachel: He is full of contradictions. 
  
  
  Lauren: Like Starburst. Juicy, yet solid. 
  
  

January 18th, 2012

Lauren: I'm so glad that we are best friends

Rachel: because I'm bringing you a box? I'll take the weather into account and bring you a tarp too

Lauren: Well I haven't relapsed yet give it a week. Plus I have $50+ in Starbucks gift cards. Now I'm convinced you just want a homeless friend so that you can brag to all your other friends that you have a homeless friend.

Rachel: hahaha I have $30 in gift cards so I'm set for a bit as well. and that may be a factor but my desire to make a fort in your living room is warring with the homeless thing.

Lauren: Best part about today: Not only does Stewart walk in with an owl drawn on his cup of coffee, the barista drew 4 other birds as well, labeling the drawing "Bird World."

Rachel: hahaha!! he has a secret ornithologist admirer!

Lauren: "I've decided to ignore the fact that the squirrel I encountered on the sidewalk was making mating calls towards me and move on with my day."

January 17th, 2012

Rachel: wake up, my leg is wet...

Lauren: I saw a kid sitting underneath the stairs in the EHS and named him "The Stair Troll".

Rachel: I was walking down the hall and walked into a cloud of fart, naming the guy in front of me "Fartmaster". 

January 16th, 2012

Rachel: "Wanna do something this week?"

Me: "Do you even have to ask?"

Rachel: "I want to build a fort...."